And it begins…

After doing acupuncture for about a month now, I decided that maybe adding in Clomid  for a couple cycles would be a good idea. To which my husband of course agreed. I was a bit nervous since I know most infertility specialists that I have run across aren’t supportive of the patient doing more holistic methods as the main item. Thankfully, our doctor wasn’t one of them. One of my favorite things about him is how brutally honest he is. I’ve always been drawn to people who are the real life version of Hugh Laurie’s character, House. I’d rather a doctor not be shy about telling me the honest truth than not giving me all the facts because it MIGHT upset me. Which I have run into before and it’s the absolute worst.

But I digress, our doctor was honest and recommended that we not do another IUI and move straight to the highest level of IVF.  With our history and family history of fertility, he felt that there would be a better chance of us conceiving if we did so. BUT because of our history, we still would only have about a 30-40% chance of conceiving. That number just isn’t worth the pain, money and time to pursue. Not to mention the fact that I am terrified of medical injections, the four injections that we needed to do for the IUI was bad enough. I couldn’t even begin to imagine the stress and mental breakdown I would go through if I had to do more than the four. In fact, the doctor would need to prescribe Xanax just to calm me down to do the injections.

Thankfully our doctor knows of my fear and both of our concerns, and completely respects our reasons for not moving on to IVF. The only option we have that does not include injections is Clomid, which we already had a feeling was the option. So, we will be doing two cycles of Clomid and then if still no BFP, we will begin looking into possibly doing another round of IUI. But another round of IUI is still a very large question mark. Neither one of us were entirely comfortable with the procedure, not by any fault of the doctor, but the uncomfortable part could have been a result of where we were in our lives at that moment.

For now, we are staying hopeful that we beat the 1% chance that we were given of conceiving on just Clomid. We will begin the Clomid cycle this month, CD1 is this week sometime, and then another in July. SO send us prayers and baby dust if you think of it!

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#FlashBackFriday – Hope is Lost

This past week has been full of so many highs and lows. Mostly lows at this point. We did find out that the treatments were a failure. Which means that any chance of us having kids the traditional way is gone for now. We have come to the conclusion that God doesn’t want us to have kids this way. We may do one more round of treatments in the distant future, but it’s very unlikely, especially with my phobia of medical needles.

It’s also hard to keep any kind of hope alive when its crushed like a flower petal in a hand. When we decided to try a round of treatments we saw a glimmer of hope, it felt like maybe this is what we needed to do to be able to finally have kids. I started to be able to be around toddlers again and was semi okay around pregnant women at that point, so I thought this was surely a sign we were headed into the right direction. I also received major overtime from work which helped us pay completely out of pocket for the treatments and rack up any debt. We also thought this was a good sign. A small seed of hope started to grow in our hearts. We were even able to say the words ‘when we have kids’ again. That may not seem like a major deal to most, but for us that was a huge step forward.

I pushed myself to deal with the injections because it would all be worth it in the end, at least that’s what my husband and myself kept telling each other. Turned out,  it wasn’t worth it in the least because now we are back at square one. No pregnancy, more injections and medications needed to try again.

At this point, I’ve lost all hope. Hope of ever being pregnant, hope of ever getting to experience half the things that come with pregnancy and raising your own child from infancy, hope of ever being okay to be around anyone who is pregnant or has kids. We’ve lost hope of ever getting to experience what it’s like to see our own child’s firsts. Because after four years of trying, it’s been a big fat no.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry before in my life. Angry at God, angry at my body for not doing what it was created to do, angry that I can’t get over my fear of medical needles. Angry that people around us are popping out babies out left and right and having so much more ease at getting pregnant, but yet nothing has happened for us. All we’ve been able to gain is a mountain of sorrow.

I can’t even begin to fathom how we are going to recover from this blow to our hearts. All I know is that hope is lost for us at this point and there’s no telling if we will ever get it back.
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Two Week Wait…Again.

We officially began yet another two week wait, so far we have just one more week before we can test.  Although I’m remaining hopeful that this might be our month, I’m also not getting my  hopes up to much. I know that it takes at least a full month for new treatments to fully have an effect on your body, so I’m more hopeful that next cycle we might have some success. I have noticed that with the new herbs that I am taking at the recommendation of my acupuncturist, I have s bit more energy and (miracle of all miracles) an appetite. Before I began acupuncture I almost had no appetite at all, and that was just normal for me. Some days I could go the whole day without needing to eat anything more than a smoothie. Even while training for both our half marathons my metabolism was just barely at a normal rate. Finally being able to eat three full meals a day is a huge improvement, and it also might have been one of the missing pieces to why we haven’t been able to conceive as of yet.

One of the things that the acupuncturist discovered is that I have the beginning stages of anemia. This totally makes sense with the knowledge that I do have immediate family members who have extreme anemia. Which means that in between the last day of aunt flo and ovulation, my body isn’t able to recreate enough blood to stabilize other essential functions in my body to aide in conceiving. Like I said before, totally makes sense. While we were going through fertility treatments with my OBGYN (who specializes in fertility), they did do tests that showed my body was beginning to show signs of low levels of iron as well as early signs of more serious thyroid problems. The new medicine and the acupuncture have helped me alleviate a lot of my symptoms.

I am so thankful for the help these herbs have given me so far, and I am excited to see what other improvements they might make as well. Until then, we wait another week to see if we receive yet another BFN or get our first BFP.

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#FlashBackFriday – A New Journey

It’s finally September, which means infertility treatment month for us! Or as I’d like to call it the month every thing seems to be going wrong. We were very blessed to be able to take a small vacation to the Bahamas and Florida at the beginning of this month. It was such a refreshing time and we were able to form friendships with some awesome people while we were there. When we came back from the cruise we were jet lagged, but refreshed and ready to hit the ground running. My husband had a lot going on at work and so did I, but we were determined to fit in the infertility treatments.

It was mainly my schedule that was problematic. Not only was I going to school, but I also work for a brand new museum that was set to have it’s grand opening very shortly after we came back from vacation. So the days were busy, busy, busy. Then some little things started to pop up that were starting to make it clear that I was going to have to make a decision between school, work, and having kids. That was something we were not prepared for. Because of my type of infertility and because of how badly my body reacts to non holistic medicine, the doctors were putting me on some extra doses of medicine. This meant that they wanted to monitor me more often than a normal case. All of the check ups were going to greatly interfere with my school schedule and I would have been dropped by the professor with how many days I would have missed.

I was so frustrated, I had been working so hard in school and had not only made it into one honors society, but two of them. Making it into those honors societies was a big deal for me since I never really been that great at my classes. To have to give it all up indefinitely was frustrating, especially since I was so close to transferring out to one of my dream schools. But when it came down to it, my husband and I decided that it was more important to keep my job so that we could pay for the treatments and stay out of debt, and possibly even  buy a house next year. I could always start up with school again, but finding my dream job, having kids and buying a house would be much more difficult to start up again.

As of last week we started round one of fertility treatments. It’s the least invasive treatment that they could come up with since I have only one ovary, but it has way more injections than what I was originally anticipating. For just about anyone else injections wouldn’t be that troubling,  but for me it’s a major deal. Why? Because I am terrified of medical needles. Yes, I have many tattoos, but those needles are completely different. The tattoo needles aren’t being shoved into one of my major organs without anesthetic. It also means a lot more pain management than I was expecting to have to do as well.

As for now, we wait to see if the first few injections and pills have worked like they are supposed to. Until later on in the month we won’t know if everything is working like it’s supposed to.

 

5 Reasons Why We Keep Our Infertility Journey Private

With Mother’s Day (AKA hardest day of the year) approaching, I wanted to write a couple of articles over the next couple of weeks about the lesser talked about issues when struggling with infertility. One of these issues is why many of us choose to keep our struggle with infertility private. Whether it’s up until you’re actually pregnant, keeping a miscarriage quite, or up until you are ready to share your journey with others. There are so many reasons as to why we choose to do this. Because there are so many different reasons as to why we keep our journeys quiet, I wanted to reach out to my fellow TTC sisters to get their opinions as well. I also wanted to show that there are more people out there struggling with infertility than you may think, just because no one around you has mentioned it doesn’t mean that there aren’t people in your circle of friends isn’t dealing with this. Knowing this, if you aren’t dealing with infertility it may make you wonder or even be a little upset that some one around you doesn’t ‘trust’ you enough to talk about this struggle. That’s not entirely the case, like I mentioned before there are several reasons as to why we keep our journey through infertility quiet.

There will be several quotes from my fellow TTC sisters about this topic, and because they are choosing to keep their journey private, I will be keeping all their quotes anonymous to protect their identities. So without further delay here are 5 reasons why we choose to keep our journey through infertility quiet:

  1. Shame.

I know what you’re thinking right now, “Shame? why would anyone feel shameful for being infertile?” Well, there are a lot of reasons why:

  • “…I always thought people would think less of me or think I was “broken” if I told them about my infertility journey.”
  • “With friends I felt embarrassed and ashamed of the whole situation…”
  • “…I’ve stopped telling people (first cycle everyone knew every detail!) because although they were being supportive and amazing I found that the pressure of letting them all down as well as myself was too much…”

For myself, I was ashamed for a long time. I was embarrassed that I couldn’t get my own body to work the way that it was supposed to, that I couldn’t (and probably never would be able to) give my husband biological children of our own. Especially when there were so many people around us who were able to get pregnant after just one month of trying.

2. Hurtful comments, or unsolicited advice.

I’ve experienced these comments myself, not just from family, but from complete strangers and friends as well. I’ve gotten, “Well maybe God doesn’t think you will be best fit as parents.” or “Maybe you’re just not praying enough, or are too stressed.” But the worst was “You know it’s because you don’t eat meat right? If you were to begin eating animal based proteins and lose a couple of pounds then you would get pregnant.” Yup, you read that right. Lose weight and eat meat again. Not many of you know, but the reason I don’t eat meat or have dairy based products is because I’m ALLERGIC. And yes, this person knew both of those facts. I’m also no where near to needing to lose weight from a medical standpoint. But lets not get me started on that last one.

With that being said, we weren’t the only ones who kept our journey private for that reason as well. Here are some more people who also had the same reason:

  • “…I didn’t want to hear that I’m stressed or that we need to stop thinking about it and it will happen. I didn’t want to hear about “if it’s meant to be…” or anything about His plan….”
  • “…I’m a plus sized woman and along the way my size has been brought up as playing a factor in my infertility. Nothing hurts worse than two heart breaking parts of my life being combined. I’ve always worried about the questions and the hard comments that come with this season. Some days I can barely hold myself together as it is. I don’t think I could handle tough questions or well meaning but sometimes hurtful comments on a regular basis…”
  • “… For us, we’ve heard “the stories”: ‘oh I know someone who tried and tried and then when they adopted, got pregnant’ or the ‘you just need to relax’. It’s hard to open up to people who can’t open their mind or relate to our situation…”
  • “…Another reason why, is because it has been so hard and heartbreaking we just don’t want everyone’s opinion and their questions. Especially from people that don’t understand or have never been through it…”

3. Judgement.

This is one reason that has frequently come up when discussing infertility. This has mainly been from people who have step-children. I’ve had conversations with so many couples who talk about the judgement they receive from outside the marriage. They have told me that people will frequently approach them and tell them that they should just be happy to have the step-child in their lives and be done with infertility treatments. That they are being selfish in pursuing to try and conceive a child of their own. Well, it’s not selfish to want to be able to conceive and have a biological child of your own with the person you have committed your life to.

  • “A lot of it for us was how ashamed I felt and I was trying to process everything, and the other was that we were so worried people were going to judge us. Especially where my fiancé has a son from a previous relationship. I was just worried what people were going to say about it all but there are still things we’ve kept quiet from friends and family.”

Another reason I’ve encountered is from couples who have experienced people telling them that they must have done something in their lives to deserve infertility. To accept that infertility is obviously a punishment of some sort. to move on with their lives and be thankful. That couldn’t be farther from the truth! I know infertility can feel like a punishment sometimes, okay most times, but it doesn’t mean that it is. Every person who I have talked to who struggled with infertility has told me how much stronger they have become by going through this season of life.  Because there are so many stories about the judgement or criticism they receive daily from others, many have opted to open private accounts on social media as a way to be able  to share their struggles and ask questions without being judged.

  • “I guess, for my husband and I, it’s to avoid judgment. I opened this separate account not linked to my personal one because I wanted a “safe” space to share… away from the judgment or criticism from friends or family members (some of who may mean well even though it doesn’t always seem like it).”

 

4. Stress.

Constantly answering people’s questions or telling the same story over and over can really ware on the person. It’s not that we mind telling people what is going on, it’s just that sometimes the constant bombardment of questions, opinions, and suggestions becomes incredibly overwhelming. Add in stressful infertility tests, treatments, specific timings needed for each drug or test, and you begin to feel like you’re drowning in the ocean. It can also be incredibly overwhelming to constantly be forced to explain the reasons why you decided to pursue treatments, why that specific treatment (i.e. IUI, IVF, DEIVF, etc.), and the Mother of all questions “why don’t you just adopt?”

  • ” Some days I can barely hold myself together as it is. I don’t think I could handle tough questions or well meaning but sometimes hurtful comments on a regular basis.”
  • “Also, another reason is if/when things don’t go right, it sucks to have to explain it to everybody (sometimes over and over again to different people) when you just want to crawl into a corner and be with your own thoughts.”
  • “I’ve stopped telling people…because although they were being supportive and amazing I found that the pressure of letting them all down as well as myself was too much.”

In other words, we just don’t need that added stress in our lives.

5.  Holding out for that special moment.

Beginning the journey through infertility causes your life to become an open book. What I mean by this is your doctors need to know almost every aspect of your life, sometimes this includes even delving deep into your family history to try and figure out what is going on. You’re even asked about intimate topics, functions about your body that you may not even be comfortable with sharing to your partner. You are both incessantly poked with needles, forced to take pills that mess with your emotions, have to take test after medical test, and you even have to sometimes (most times) go as far as having timed intercourse which then is also needed to be relayed to your doctors. It begins to feel as though you no longer have any type of privacy or control over your life. So for many of us, even though we may mention that we will be doing treatments, we are still vague. Why? Because we are holding onto one part of this journey that we can control, that gives us hope; to finally announce we are pregnant.

It may seem like such a small thing to most, but to be able to finally tell your family or friends that after all the pain, after all the suffering, after all the tears, that you and your partner successfully created a tiny human that is in your body at that very moment is everything. Sometimes holding onto the hope that that day may come is all we have to get through the pain.

  • “I haven’t told everyone when exactly we’re doing each step of our treatment. Honestly, it’s because I think about “normal” couples (the 7 in 8 lol) and all the fun things they get to do to surprise people. It’s way more fun to surprise people with announcements etc when we finally DO get pregnant, rather than people just asking, how’d it go? Seems silly, but it’s a big deal to me!…”
  • ” I  haven’t told my parents because I’ve always dreamed of being able to surprise them and tell them they are going to be grandparents (like anyone else who can conceive normally)…”

There you have it, five reasons why a lot of us choose to keep our journey through infertility private. Whether it be for a portion of the journey or all of it, we all have our reasons.

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#FlashBackFriday – Salt in the Wound

One of the things I still struggle with is people around me being pregnant, it’s still salt in the wound. Some days it’s way to difficult to go on something as simple as Facebook without feeling the urge to cry after seeing the endless stream of baby photos and pregnancy announcements. I try to remind myself that it’s not their fault, they’re just grateful for the blessing God has given them. Some days though it almost feels like people are flaunting the fact they have kids with how many photos they post of their kids in one day.  Like I said, I know they’re not doing it on purpose.

The second worst is Pinterest. Now that they have those “picked for you” pins my feed is usually packed with baby or kid items. I don’t even have any baby boards anymore, but that doesn’t stop them from jamming as many baby or kid pins as they can in my feed. At this point I pretty much avoid Facebook and Pinterest like the plague, I’ve even contemplated deleting my profiles on both. Hasn’t happened yet though.

Another is baby showers. Ever since we began having all of these problems a few years ago I found myself struggling to attend any baby showers for any one. It’s gotten worse over the past year with no end in sight as of yet. Going to one is like the biggest punch to the gut yet. Seeing all of the clothing, the mom to be, the beautiful items for a nursery is all to overwhelming. Then the thoughts of “Why can’t that be us?” bubble up. Just thinking about the baby showers makes me tear up. It’s even hard for my husband to be around kids sometimes because he struggles with the same thoughts and feelings.

You would think that I would be better with seeing or hearing all of these things, but I’m just not there yet. The biggest thing that I’ve discovered is that it’s okay that I’m not there yet. It’s like the old saying goes, “only with time will it heal.” I’ve accepted that I won’t be okay with seeing others have babies, or looking at baby/kids items for a while, heck probably not even until I’m pregnant myself. And that’s okay, why? Because every one heals and deals with things like this at different rates, I’m just taking a little bit longer than most and there’s nothing wrong with that. My husband on the other hand has a much easier time with all of this. Sometimes he does ask the same questions as I do (Why us? or Why does it have to be this difficult for us?), but at the same time he still likes getting the chance to hold or see a baby. Like I said, we all heal differently, and at different rates.

Slowly, but surely I’m finding it easier to see pictures of random kids or babies from people I don’t know that well (or acquaintances) on various social sites. It’s my hope that soon I’ll be able to start looking at pictures of friends’ or family’s babies sometime soon too. Until then, I stay off all the common social media to avoid seeds of bitterness or anger from being planted in my heart again.

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10 Facts About Infertility You May Not Know

With all the common causes out there (Breast Cancer Month, Autism Awareness Month, etc.) many may not know that this week is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). This includes those who have experienced infant loss or a miscarriage. So in honor of NIAW I wanted to write a post with some basic facts about infertility. The topic of infertility is still one that is not commonly discussed and in many cases, still incredibly taboo. I hope to educate and spread some awareness about this issue with this post and encourage you the reader to share this post with others as well. So without further delay here are 10 common facts about infertility:

1. The basic definition of infertility as described by The World Health Organization:

  • Infertility is “a disease of the reproductive system defined by the failure to achieve a clinical pregnancy after 12 months or more of regular unprotected sexual intercourse.”… (WHO-ICMART glossary1).
  • “Infertility is the inability of a sexually active, non-contracepting couple to achieve pregnancy in one year. The male partner can be evaluated for infertility or subfertility using a variety of clinical interventions, and also from a laboratory evaluation of semen.” (Semen manual, 5th Edition3).

http://www.who.int/reproductivehealth/topics/infertility/definitions/en/

2.  Infertility is a much more common issue than many realize and is actually considered a disability:

The World Health Organization estimates that 34 million women have infertility. 34 million women! The only reason why you may not hear about it that often is because most women or couples decide to keep their struggle with infertility private. This is due to several different reasons. My husband and I decided to keep our struggle private until we knew more of what was going on, but others sometimes are completely embarrassed or frustrated as to their body not being able to conceive a child. To go even farther with these statistics, it’s estimated by the CDC that every 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility. Again, more people around you than you think.

http://www.who.int/reproductivehealth/topics/infertility/definitions/en/

https://infertilityawareness.org/

3. Couples who have already had one or two children with no issues can still be at risk for infertility:

Yup, you read that correctly! Even couples who have already had one child with no issues can still be at risk for infertility. I can’t even begin to tell you how many women I’ve met through social media who had no fertility issues with their first or even second child. When it came to that next pregnancy, all of a sudden random previously unknown issues arose.  Here is a clearer definition, “…following a previous pregnancy or a previous ability to do so, are then not unable to carry a pregnancy to a live birth would present with secondarily infertile. (Trends in prevalence4).” The World Health Organization

http://www.who.int/reproductivehealth/topics/infertility/definitions/en/

4. Infertility is always the result of an issue in the woman:

Nope. Not true at all. While many cases are the result of an issue with the female’s reproductive system, it’s not always the case. Problems with fertility can also result from the male as well. ” A CDC study analyzed data from the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth and found that 7.5% of all sexually experienced men younger than age 45 reported seeing a fertility doctor during their lifetime—this equals 3.3–4.7 million men. Of men who sought help, 18% were diagnosed with a male-related infertility problem, including sperm or semen problems (14%) and varicocele (6%).” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

https://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/infertility/

5. In order to beat infertility you just need to relax and reduce the stress in your life:

NO. Just no. If I had a quarter for every time an individual gave me this suggestion I would have my own villa in Italy by now. There are so many reasons as to why couples are not able conceive, reasons ranging from common issues such as PCOS, Endometriosis, low thyroid, low sperm count, and the list goes on. All issues that require some type of medical intervention to aide in conception. Now I’m not saying that miracles don’t happen and that it’s not possible to conceive without that aide. I’m a Christ follower myself and do truly believe that with God all things are possible, but sometimes God directs us to seek out that medical help for a reason. He did for us.

6. Not just couples who are over 35 years old will experience infertility:

Couple of ALL ages can experience issues resulting from infertility. You can be 18 years old and still be affected by this disease. Infertility has no age restriction.

7. IVF is not the only method that will allow you to successfully conceive:

There are several different options for couples experiencing infertility to choose from. IVF (in vitro fertilization) is not not the only method availble, there is also IUI (intrauterine insemination), ZIFT (zygote intrafallopian transfer), GIFT (gamete intrafallopian transfer), and so on. All methods that are at different levels of invasiveness, for different diagnoses of infertility, and at different costs. Obviously you always want to consult your doctor when choosing the best option for your situation.

8. Not only traditional infertility medical treatments will help you conceive:

I know that this is always a touchy subject, but it’s true. If you are not comfortable with traditional medicine for any reason, there are clinics out there that focus on holistic medicine to help you conceive. There are just as many success stories out there about using holistic or alternative medicine to aide in the conception process.

http://natural-fertility-info.com/new-success-stories

9.  You are not alone:

Like I stated in number two, infertility is a much more common issue than most people realize. Which means that you are lying to yourself or others are lying to you when they say no one else is going through what you are. Yes, each story or journey is unique, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a massive community of other couples going through what you are. There are so many lovely people that you can connect with through almost every social media to help and support you. If you need any suggestions, feel free to contact me personally and I will be happy to give you some recommendations.

10. If you pursue infertility treatments you will not always end up with twins or triplets:

While this occurrence does tend to be slightly common, it’s not always the case. The medications that the doctors give you generally involve releasing one or more eggs in the female, this is to increase the chances of a successful pregnancy. BUT this does not mean that both eggs will be successful. Sometimes just the one egg results in a successful pregnancy.
There you have it, 10 facts about infertility! For more information and resources feel free to visit the links posted at the bottom of this post. Most importantly, don’t forget to share this post to spread the awareness!
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https://infertilityawareness.org/

http://www.hopeforfertility.org/

http://natural-fertility-info.com/new-success-stories

https://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/inf

#FlashBackFriday – Giving Up

After getting confirmation from our doctor that because of my removed ovary our chances of conceiving were slim to none without some type of treatment, I felt like I had been slammed into a brick wall. No, more like slammed into a brick wall and then hit in the gut with a shovel. So many emotions flooded into me all at once and I didn’t know which one to process first. I felt as though I had been robbed and didn’t even know it until a decade later. I was so angry, angry at God for letting this happen, angry that my gut feelings had been confirmed, angry at the surgeons who stole an ovary out of me and failed to inform my family that they had done so. I was so pissed and sad that I shut myself off from the world. I couldn’t even be in the same room as a child or a person who had kids without feeling a wave of bitterness and anger. In the back of my mind I knew that it wasn’t their fault, that they weren’t responsible for what had been done to me, but I couldn’t help harboring those thoughts and emotions in my heart towards them. The biggest problem was that people wanted to talk about what had happened with the surgery, wanted to know how I was feeling, but I just couldn’t talk about any of it without immediately bursting into tears.

My relationship with God was at an all time low, pretty much non-existent to be exact. I didn’t want to be around Him, or any one else for that matter. I came to the conclusion that I was done with God for the moment. It wasn’t that I had stopped believing that God was real, it was that I was incredibly enraged with him. I kept asking “Why us? What have we done to receive such a horrible punishment?” What made all of this worse was knowing that for a long time I actually didn’t want kids. Not because I didn’t like them, but because I just couldn’t see myself having a family AND pursuing a career in profiling for the FBI. It wasn’t until I started dating my now husband and changing my career paths did I become open to the idea of having kids. So with God knowing that he helped change my heart into being open to having kids somewhat recently, how could he all of the sudden decide to take all that away from us? It wasn’t fair and it didn’t make sense. Frankly, it still doesn’t make sense to me.

I began to do things to try and distract myself, things such as take on training for my first half marathon, made sure to work more, took on more classes for school, and deep clean our house. It helped keep me emotionally stable and distracted from what was really going on in my head and heart. After a few months I knew that I couldn’t keep missing so much  Church so frequently anymore, people were starting to ask questions and I felt bad continually avoiding people.

I began to realize that in isolating my extroverted self I was beginning to throw myself into a perfect storm of depression, which obviously was not good. I also began to see that the cause of the isolation was the fact that I was still not willing to deal with all the emotions that were swirling around in my head still. Mainly, I felt stupid for still feeling the way that I did. I felt that I was weak for feeling this way, at least that was what I had been told growing up by an important family member all my life. That if I let my emotions get the best of me or cried or felt sad I was showing weakness, during this time especially I did not want to show weakness. I wanted to be strong for my family and husband who were really worried about me. I honestly couldn’t remember the last time that my Nana had called me so frequently to make sure I was okay. I knew something needed to change, I knew it was time to allow myself to feel what I was suppressing. So I did, I finally opened the floodgate of emotions that I had kept a dam on for so long. After a while I finally let go of all the anger and bitterness that I had been harboring against God. I finally and reluctantly lifted up my situation to Him. It definitely didn’t happen in one night, that’s for sure. It took several weeks for me to do this, but once I was able to manage all of the things swirling in my head and heart I temporarily felt better.

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Life Update

So a while back I mentioned that we were looking into more non invasive infertility treatments. We decided that it was time to be proactive again and begin to pursue alternative treatments. Well, we finally made good on our word. At the recommendation of a friend, I booked an appointment at a holistic university who have a specialty clinic specifically for women’s reproductive issues. The first appointment is towards the end of the month which is just to asses what is going on with my body, and to see what treatments they can offer me.

One huge benefit is that so far it seems that their treatments and appointment costs are significantly cheaper than going to an RE through our insurance. That fact in particular is incredibly exciting. I’m also excited for the opportunity to pursue more natural treatments that won’t be so harsh on my body. I tend to be that one person who always gets the worst of the side effects from medications. Lets just say that Clomid and Menopur are not my friends.

The appointment also comes at a perfect time if we decide to move forward with their treatments because it will be just before cycle day one. I’m taking that timing as a positive sign. Until then, hope you all are having a great week!